The BIG 32...

... is not that big.  I remembered all that fuss when I turned the big 30, but to tell you the truth, I've never felt much different.  Yes, I feel that I've grown older.  I have aged, of course.  Most substantially in knowledge and experience.  And most of all, in self-esteem and confidence.  But other that that, life has always been pretty much the same for me.  Maybe it's because I still retain my youthful looks.  Hahahahaha!!! =P  And also youthful outlook on life. ;-)

Youthful looks and outlook aside, I've noticed that the things that used to matter so much to me, pale so much in comparison to the things that matter most to me now.  My priorities are different. My outlook on many things have changed.  I've settled down in many ways.  And most of all, I'm lifted of all burdens that come with being in the 20s.  I'm no longer stressed about finding myself or who I am,  or wondering for what purpose I'm brought into this world.  I already know the answers.  At least some of them, if not all.  I guess time does that to you.

I'm still the chirpy, naughty, temperamental old Azyei.  I haven't changed all that much.  If I have, it's probably for the worse when it comes to being neurotic. ;-)  Nah...  I'm not such a neurotic bitch, but I'm almost there. =P  But I'm pretty much accepting of many things now.  I think.  I hope. ;-)

But one thing that never ceased to make me wonder; and it is kinda sad to know that we live in a community where they see you as growing older but still being single as WRONG.  To say that I'm not bothered about being single would not be fair.  I'm bothered.  But not for myself.  So far, I'm quite happy with being single.  There are no strings attached in any way to anyone.  But I do feel a bit bothered for my parents.

I think my parents are two of the greatest people in the whole world.  (I mean, who wouldn't?)  They have been supportive to my siblings and I in every way possible.  But I do know that they worry about us.  Especially us girls.  I guess they worry about our future.  It's true that we now live in a modern generation, but no matter how modern we are, our culture, society and religion still places some restrictions on girls and women where we would still always need a wali in the family.  Yes, we have a brother, but then you'll never know what type of wife or girlfriend he'll end up with.  And she would need a lot of super human powers to bears with the three Shaarani daughters. =P

Sometimes I feel sad and sorry for my dad.  He is the main man in the lives of all his three daughters.  Lelaki-lelaki lain semuanya tak boleh harap atau dah hilang entah ke mana.  He still always has to run around for his three daughters on errands where we need a man to handle things for us.  He's aging.  He shouldn't be running around doing stuff for us.  WE should be running around doing stuff for him.  My brother?  At the moment, he's yet to be in position where we can lean on him for support.  So, for the time being, it's still our dad.  And our mom.

I guess many people look at my family and wonder why the Shaarani daughters are still single.  Sometimes it bothers me because of how it will affect my parents.  My parents are so super cool about this, but deep down inside you'll never know.  They must feel a tinge of worry for us.  I know they probably long for grandchildren, but they have never ever voiced it out to us.  Not even once.  Upfront, they have been the most supportive parents ever.  No pressure.  No stress.  Always prayers.  And lots of love.

Haiyaaa...  Guess I've always been a bit emotional and nostalgic lately when it comes to my parents and family.  What more with Eidil Adha just around the corner and the word Qorban comes into the picture.

At times like this you do realise and understand the meaning of sacrifice.  My parents have sacrificed so much for us.  I'm 32 now (macamlah tua sangat ye...), but I always wonder when I can ever truly pay them back in return.  I don't think I ever can.  But I will always do my best to do so.  I also hope I will be given the time to do so.

On that note, Selamat Hari Raya Eidil Adha to all my Muslim friends.  May we truly understand and appreciate the meaning of Qorban and the sacrifices we have and will make.  And may all that we do bring us into the love of Allah.

Happy holidays everyone.